Deep and blue...

I was sinking. My hands were tied. I tried to break the shackles apart with all the strength I had.I wriggled with every muscle of my body. My calf muscle twitched and the pain seemed to reverberate in my brain. I could feel the nerve on the left side of my forehead tightening. I squealed in pain. just wanted to get out. A helpless gasp followed. But the harder I tried the more I sank. I tried to scream my lungs out for help. But all that came out was a helpless moan. My throat was dry and I tasted blood's tangy flavour. Mind is the weirdest thing in the universe. Learn to tame it and you can do anything. Let it loose and it will drag you through even the worst memory of your's. An avalanche of thoughts came pouring down on me. The good,the bad and the ugly. But I didn't care anymore. All the good I had done, all the bad I had done; nothing mattered anymore. I just wanted to get out. Ignoring the pain I tried over and over again. Soon my muscles went numb. It didn't hurt anymore. I don't really know if I felt good or bad about it but definitely got my focus back on track. This time I tilted myself and wriggled towards the sides. I was shifting slowly. I don't really know where this sudden gush of power and determination came from, but it seemed to help. My conscious was back. I don't exactly remember for how long I kept on wrestling with water. My mind and body had already been stretched to their limits and more. I couldn't feel my body anymore. I was struggling to keep my head out of water. I realized it was just a matter of time now. My eyes rolled upwards and my eyelids shut slowly. It was my mind that went down first and soon my body followed. I moved no more.

Thud!!!and my head banged on the wall as I rolled over. I jumped out of bed. Shit!!!that was one of the worst dreams I ever had. I shut my eyes tight and held my clasped hands tight against my forehead and prayed for a minute. I turned on the lights. I was still breathing heavily. I rubbed my palm against my chest and forehead. I was covered in sweat. I could feel sweat pouring down my back. I walked in to the wash room and splashed some water on my face and looked in the mirror. Damnn... my forehead was swollen and my face had gone red.

The light in the ktichen was still on. I grabbed a bottle of evian from the refrigerator and finished it off in one go. My breathing eventually slowed down. I sat down on my bed trying hard to relax. I turned off the light and and pulled the duvet over. I was not sure if I had actually got over the shock. As I closed my eyes hoping for a better night the dark shades of deep waters appeared before me...

Mars on Google Earth

Hi...Google Earth for Mars has been around for a while now...just added it coz i found it very interesting...it does n't require additional download or anything...all you need to do is change the mode on Google earth...do check the video out...cheers...

(for those who see this on facebook, click on "view original post" below)

The monsoons

If you ask me what the best thing about my place is, I would say it is the monsoons. Starts in June usually. But it has been wavering forwards and backwards over the past few years . First rain is always very special. The skies rumble as if its calling out and telling everybody that the wait is over. The clear skies would soon be covered with grey clouds. I like walking up and down my courtyard when it is about to rain. As the first few drops kiss the earth, the odour of the earth will be drawn to your soul. No wonder this place is called "God's own country". The drizzle would soon promote itself to heavy showers. The fade of the trees and plants will be gone in mere minutes. Roses always have an extra scent in them when it rains. Droplets of water will slide along the surfaces of leaves, dancing over its way to earth. They patter on roof tops as if trying to wake the house up after the long summer. As far as I'm concerned, the best thing that can accompany a heavy rain would be a cup of coffee.

Back during school days it was not a new thing to forget to load your bag with an umbrella. And most often, the walk back home, would be in the rain. Used to love the walk. The feel of rain drops dripping over your face is something anybody would fall in love with. My shirt would soon be soaking wet and hugging onto my body. There are loads of memories associated with rain. There used to be a friend of mine (not to mention the name or I would be dead meat soon) who had a crush on his neighbour and they used to travel in the same private van to school. The downpour was pretty heavy that day. This guy acted as if he forgot to take his umbrella so that he could share the umbrella with the gal. Luckily for him the plan worked and our circle of friends soon received a phone call later that day with a boringly elaborate description of a 10 minute walk.

Football in the rain is another unforgettable experience. Football has never been my cup of tea, but the muddy ground can always be used to your advantage if you 've the ball. But always had to watch out for ruthless players who would come flying into you from nowhere taking you with their trajectory. Nobody was ever bothered about getting hurt. Goals used to be followed by screaming out allowed and throwing oneself in the mud. It was last year while I was returning from the uni I believe that it started raining heavily all of a sudden. Climate in the UK is unpredictable. I pulled my hood over to cover my head. But that didn't prevent the heavy rains from keeping my head dry. The twenty minute walk flashed glimpses of the life I lived back home and during college days. It is often good to turn around and rejoice and above all be thankful about the life one has been given.

I won't say those days are gone yet. Life still has loads of surprises in store. Memories made in the rain always get reloaded when the monsoon returns. The brain "googles" them out automatically. People change but rains don't. They return every year to see how things have changed. To see how you have grown. To listen to what you got to say. And in the end to tell you that life is an occasion to love, share and celebrate.

Over a cup of coffee...

Beep...beep...beep...the microwave called for attention. Milk had started oozing out of the Stone-Henge imprinted coffee mug. Had got this coffee mug around an year ago during the Stone henge visit with Juanjo, Vanessa and Fahad. More than the thrill of seeing the famous Windows XP wallpaper in real, it was the opportunity to take photographs that inspired me. After coming from a country which can boast of unbelievably complex architectural marvels, the Stone Henge was not good enough to make a big impressive impact. Anyhow historians do say that mystery still sleeps peacefully amongst those tall stone structures waiting to be revealed. Juanjo, who I had gone there with was one of the first few people I made friends with after coming to the UK. He, like almost every other Spanish I've met so far was a very jovial and sensible person. While me and Fahad were always on the look out for chances to tease each other, Juanjo used to take sides in a very much diplomatic fashion. ;). Its very strange how even a humble coffee mug can stir up memories and pull out files out of nowhere.

I started this habit of drinking coffee during my dissertation. Used to help me postpone my breakfast, lunch and dinner. ;). At times the number of times the mug got refilled even touched 7-9 times a day. I've cut down on that now. After long heavy day's work, coffee used to help me calm down. Atleast that used to be the time when I would just shut up and relax. But a hot cup of coffee can help you forget everything and just enjoy the warmth of the bean juice running down your throat.

As I sat my desk and turned on my Thinkpad, thoughts wandered back to how things were one and a half years ago. I did mention in one of my previous articles that it is my convocation on July 4th. Networked Centred Computing had taken most of my time...sorry...all of my time during the past one and a quarter years. Anyhow making new friends and experiencing new culture was obviously there in the package. The pics that were taken during the course often help to review the transition. Just like a photographer uses D.O.F. to stress on the subject in focus and blur the background out, the pics simply blur the present for a very brief span of time. It is complete fun to go through the pics but the bad times left blemishes around. But evidently, instead of using the scales to ponder over what you lost or gained, it is better to look at where you stand today and take steps accordingly for a better future.

As I finished my last sip of coffee, I clicked on the sign out button of my gmail account. I closed the browser and double clicked on the application I was after. Microsoft Robotics Studio. Sleep will have to wait. Back to business.

Google shows its magic again with google waves...

Google recently did a demo of what can be called as the next generation e-mail called google waves...not only does it present a very much enhanced collaborative environment but it being open source also let developers add their own extensions and contribute extensively to the project...but there is much more in it than what I just mentioned...I've added the 1 hour 20 min video below...Make sure u don't miss out on a single minute of the video but at the same time just to mention the bits I liked the best are the spell checker(44:00), the collaborative editing tool (35:30) and the search facility (41:40) ...do check it out...

Back in the UK

A day has passed since I returned to the UK. After a horridly delayed flight, I was almost completely drained out when I rang the calling bell. 30 hours. That is what it took me to reach my door in Reading. Arnab opened the door with the same old innocent smile. He had returned 9 days before me and seemed to have fixed himself into place. As far as I was concerned, things were still in IST. Jet lag is usual. One deep sleep is all it takes to get back.

Questions at the immigration is usually the most interesting part of an Indian's trip to the EU. I do understand why but they pose as if they don't trust anybody. As if everybody coming in about to rob them of their 10 quids in a bet. They shoot questions as if out of personal interest and actually pretend if they are asking a very genuine question. "So where is University of Reading", the guy at the immigration asked me. "At Reading", I replied. "Reading is not in London,right?",he asked again. "Could have saved on 15 pounds and one hour had it been in London", I responded. Just to let him know that I knew how much a RailAir bus ticket from London to Reading costed. "Alright, here is your passport and good luck.Cheers!", he said with a smile which said he was convinced.

As I entered my room, I gave a sigh. Not of relief completely, but a mixture of home-sickness and realization of the challenges lying ahead of me. It is my convocation on the 4th of July. Have worked really hard for one year for the scroll they hand over on that day. Big day. And if asked to summarize the experience over the past one and a half years, two words would be ample enough - "Life changing".

I dropped my bag onto my bed making sure my lap inside would turn on when I switch it on. I'm pretty sure my bag would have shouted "Thank you so much. Now for heaven sake go take a shower!!!" if it had a mouth. And I knew there wasn't much I could have responded with. ;). The Bhagavat Gita I carry along with me was the first thing I took out from my bag. There are few things that are constantly on the move with me. Mostly gifts from friends and relatives. The most recent addition to this collection is a novel. "COMA" by Robin Cook. The person who gifted me the book had written their name on the first page. Every time I miss this person, all I do is open this book and read the name. It somehow brings a smile on my face. Let me tell you...THERE IS MAGIC IN THIS WORLD!!!

A shower and a cup of coffee is all I wanted to end the day. The caffiene doesn't have much influence on my sleeping habits. It has been that ways since school days. Soon I plunged myself into the comforts of my bed. The next lap was about to commence.

"This is the final call for..."

"This is the final call for flight no. blah blah blah (read out as slowly as possible). All passengers are requested to go immediately to gate no.XX where the flight is ready to depart." I doubt if there could be an even more annoying dialogue when your own connecting flight has been delayed for 7 bloody hours. I have been sitting in this waiting lounge for 2 hours now. Another 3 hours to go. After 2 hours of heavy duty shopping (the prefix "window" may be taken for granted) there is nothing much you could do at an airport.


Almost all security guards seemed to move around with a face that said "My dad built this airport when I was 7". And all the cleaners move around as if they were secret agents under cover...raising their eye-brows and moving the mop in very slow zig-zag fashion...as if they are thinking all the time...;)...or expecting something to go wrong any second.

The only good thing that happened today was the short chat with the arab model who was standing near the Jaguar, which is supposed to be the prize of the lucky draw. As I was taking a pic of the Jag, I asked her how much the ticket costed..."50 BHDs" she replied with a sparkling smile. "Go ahead...take one" she said with a tone which said she knew I would nt take one unless given away for free. And I must say she was spot on. 50 BHDs!!! I must be barking mad if I buy one of those.If my maths isn't bad 50 BHDs is somewhere around 85 pounds. 6400 indian rupees!!! That money could be used for something creative or useful instead of being wasted away in lottery.

To add to my irritation the guy sitting near me has just started snoring. I even doubt if he is doing it deliberately to irritate me. I better find another place to sit. "This is the final call for...". Damn.

The walk

Today is 15th of March. My final report submission is due on 31st. I don't know why but I don't feel really excited about it. I'm not being a prejudist but to be honest that is how I feel. Instead, I feel sad that few good things are going to end. But anyways that is the way life is. You can't hold on to the same things forever. May be it wants you to get a taste of everything. Priorities have greatly changed for me over the years. I remember how tears blurred my vision when I stepped out of college couple of years ago. College days gifted me memories to carry along for my whole life. Today when I think about it, I feel everything was perfect in those days. Perfection to me is a state of mind. It is a very sad fact that things which may seem perfect today might depreciate to "lesser perfect" ones tomorrow. I hate to say that but I've seen it happening unless properly maintained. It has got very little to do with comparing results with an already set standard. In a sense it is similar to love. You can never find a perfect person but people can always be loved perfectly.

I went out for a walk today morning. Just like that. I love to do that at times. All by myself. After having a great evening with friends yesterday, the walk seemed to be asking me to appreciate Mother Nature for a while. The air was cool. I like the feel of cool air kissing me. The flowers seemed to give out an extra gleam with their share of morning dew. I decided to walk to the lake nearby. As I switched to the footpath from the private roads of Sibly, I spotted an old British couple coming from the other side. Their hands were locked just like the newly wed. They were finding it difficult to walk but that didn't seem to worry them at all. They looked happy and contented with each other. As I approached them I wished them "Good Morning!!!"..."Very good morning indeed" they replied. I walked past them but something made me turn around and take a second look. Just felt like taking a second look at their locked hands.;).

There is a very small lake with a small children's' park nearby. Lower Earley is a beautiful place. Most of the people in the neighbourhood seemed to put in some extra effort to make their garden look beautiful. After coming from a place with 34 amazing lakes and around 50 rain fed rivers, I don't even feel like calling the water body I see here a lake. Hmm...ഉള്ളതായി...;). As I sat on one of the wooden benches, I was reminded of the long chats me and ma cousins used to have on the banks of the lake near my home. Seems like yesterday. Time is another wonderful thing. People at times say that time seemed to zoom past them. Just like a car dashing towards us from a distance might seem to be "expanding slowly" but zooms past us like whoosh...and then starts "contracting" behind us. Stephen Hawking has mentioned in his "Brief history of time" that even though the earth is moving along a straight line in four-dimensional space-time, to the naked eye it is all circular motion around the sun. Perspective can change everything. Even time can be infected. The ducks in the lake seemed not at all bothered about how complex things were in the universe. They were happy and contented with whatever they had. Why do humans who call themselves "superior" fail to be happy even if they are successful? Does the answer come back to the word "perspective"? Most often, it is not until people to lose what they have that they realize and appreciate the value of what they had.

There was not a single person to be seen in the area. It was just me and those ducks. The ducks seemed to pass on some of their peacefulness on to me. The very thought made me smile. ;). I stood up with a sigh. As I started walking back, the "to-do list" for the day popped up in front of my eyes. The smile on my face didn't fade away. The ducks had already infused in me all the energy I would need for the day.

Christmas eve

I had learned the act of picking up the key of my room from the three keys on my key-chain without having to look at it. As I stood outside the door I realized that it was the eve of Christmas. The corridor was empty. No surprises. It was six in the morning. And everybody at the hall had left five days ago. It was just me, myself and I in the whole of Sibly.

The sound made by the opening of the door seemed to echo through the narrow corridor. As the door shut behind me, I dropped my heavy bag on the coffee table and took a look around. Hmm...the room was not that dirty. I had cleaned up the mess and hoovered the carpet just two days ago. Few IET magazines were lying scattered on my bed however. Lyn had left them for me before he left for US. He was a Ph.d student at the university. He decided to discontinue with the program after his first year. I still don't know why he dropped out inspite of being successful and getting the best scholarship the university had on offer. It is true that money is not everything. But dousing away what was denied to many did n't seem to be a sensible decision to me. Above all Ph.D is about survival. And more than what is gained technically during the course, it is the attitude that is re-moulded. The troubled waters would have transformed ordinary crew to seasoned sailors. I felt there was no wonder in people being awarded a Doctor of "Philosophy" degree even after chasing secrets of "Science" for 3-5 years.

I picked up all the IETs lying on my bed and placed them on the chair. As I rested myself on the bed, the tiredness of the sleepless night caught my eyes. After setting the alarm to 1 p.m., I plunged myself in to the comfort of my bed. Hoping at least dreams could give me some success.

Bed seemed to be pulling me towards it with some sort of magnetic force. Even my hands seemed to stuck to the bed. I turned over pulling the bed-spread over my chest. My hand groped around for my watch which was supposed to be on the coffee-table nearby. Found it. I opened my eyes after I was sure the watch was right in front. 10 minutes to 1. Hmm...'m early. Deciding to wait till the alarm went off, I stretched my hands to draw the curtains. It does n't get very sunny in this part of the world. Can't even guess the time by looking outside the window. Things have changed since I came to the UK. It has been almost an year now. The experience has changed me. As an individual and as a person. Experiencing new culture and interacting with people from diverse socio-economic and cultural environment helped to explore unknown territories of diversiloquent and miscegenated lot. But there are things that still remain the same. Topping that list would be the basic character. I still love and hate people without reason. The list just got longer.

Laalaalallaallaallaa...the alarm went off. My alarm sounds like devil's kids singing a nursery rhyme with dracula saying "waaakeee upppp" in the background. Trust me, you won't feel like sleeping if you hear that alarm even if it is a freezing Sunday morning with snow falling heavily outside. Come on...nobody is going to wake up if the alarm is a seductive voice which says "time to get out of bed". Jabal always hated my alarm. Back during college days, he used to go to bed at 4 only to be woken up at 6 by the sound of my alarm. As soon as he finishes swearing at me and hid himself under the blanket, Ghosh's alarm would go off. The memory brought a wicked smile on my face.

I woke up and sat on my bed. After "morning" prayers, it was time start the "day". I looked at myself in the mirror. I'd definitely lost weight. My eyes looked drowsy but I was not feeling the same. The memory of the alarm had woken me up. I always believed in the power of memories. The impression they make on your brain can influence your very thoughts and ideologies abaout life. They have always given me an appraisal of mood. Same with music as well. I don't understand the complex notes of Karnatic or Hindustani music, but I know a beautiful rhythm can tranquilize the pains of the most troubled minds. A baby's smile can also serve the same purpose. It might be hard to find the analogy between the two, but as long as they remain true, things are fine on planet earth. Experience, memories and thoughts always seemed to be analogous to me. Experience become memories...thoughts evolve from experience...and the combined effect of both experience and memories give rise to more thoughts.

After all mundane activities i got ready to leave for the university. I never cared about the looks anymore. My hair deserved a hair cut more than any sheep on planet earth. Frameless glasses along with stubbly beard and shaggy hair gave me a nerdy look. To compliment that the weather always demanded me to wear my black sweater over my shirt. Black jacket and denim blue jeans with my white sports shoes compeleted my "attire". Yup...everything was set for another day's work. Bloody hell...it was Christmas eve and there I was...about to set out to celebrate Christmas in Active Robotics Laboratory, University of Reading, UK.

I grabbed my keys, bag, purse, mobile and access cards to the labs and halls. As I took a final look around I spotted my dead hp laptop right in the middle of my study table. And the story of this blog starts there. And how the "death" of my laptop reminded me of something I had forgotten completely. Never did I know that when my laptop went dead with all the work I had done for my final dissertation over the past many months, Life was trying to draw my attention to something else. And that something was life itself.

I stepped out of my room and shut the door behind me. I knew to pick the key to door without looking at my key chain...